A Problematic Spouse: Should I Leave My Marriage?
It’s my observation that a large number of Christian couples successfully display a happy marriage to the rest of the world, yet the walls of their bedrooms testify of something different, if not terrible, for lack of a better word.
My goal today is to acknowledge those who find themselves in such difficult scenarios in their marriages. Let’s reflect on this social media comment.
“I am a heartbroken wife with my 7-month-old baby. My husband has turned dark over the last few years and hardened. We’ve been together 10 years this year. I am terrified to leave. But this has been a pattern since the inception of our relationship. I thought this behaviour was normal and that his sin would change as he was sanctified by the Lord. But I am weary and devastated because I know how Jesus treats His bride. I feel like a fool…”
I bet we are all familiar with the famous Biblical principle that “divorce is not allowed as long as there is no adultery in the marriage”. That has left a huge question mark about other marriages that are literally hell on earth in terms of how husband and wife relate to each other. No one can imagine the kind of mental distress that some people go through every day because of their physically abusive husbands, disrespectful wives, financially neglected families and even sexually starved partners. What would you do if you were facing something like this right now? Or how would you counsel someone in that situation? When is the right time to leave – if there ever is any Biblical warrant for such?
Before all, let’s be reminded that believers are encouraged to be patient and longsuffering in all circumstances, no matter how difficult. We must also strive, above all, for forgiveness and reconciliation with those who have caused our sorrows. Having said all this, now is the time to present to you that Scripture does leave room for separation if the relationship is no longer peaceful, worse if somebody’s physical wellbeing is in danger. Here is the verse…
1 Corinthians 7:15 But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.
Paul is addressing a marriage setup that is made up of a believer and an unbeliever. In such scenarios, he says that sometimes it’s impossible to have mutual understanding. Hence, if one of them (possibly the unbeliever) decides to divorce the other, let it be so. In other ways, even if a couple claims to be Christian, the fact that one of them is mistreating the other (physical, emotional abuse etc.) is proof that the person is an unbeliever. It does not matter if such an individual is a church deacon or elder. As long they are deliberately hurting their spouse, the saving grace of our Lord is still absent in their heart. Therefore, it is safe even when the believing one decides to separate from such a poisonous environment. Because “the Lord has called us to peace”. Having said all that, I would like to advise that a redeemed saint must never come to such a serious decision before s/he has taken these steps below…
1.) Communicate to your partner
According to Matthew 18, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother (Mat 18:15)”. This is the first step to resolving any conflict. The reason is that some people hurt others without even realizing that they are doing it. Therefore, do not die in silence but find strength in the Lord and find a good time; a good place and tell your partner everything that is troubling your soul because of their unruly conduct. Unfortunately, most abusers are good at denying and even returning the blame when confronted. Either way, you must at least try to talk to them. If you cannot handle the face to face conversation, try sending a text message or even writing a letter.
2.) Consult the church
Hopefully, all of us are members of good churches with godly leadership. This is the first hospital for broken homes. Seek the counsel of those elders in your church and narrate everything happening in your marriage. They are responsible for calling your partner and must, thereafter, rebuke or advice the two of you accordingly. It’s unfortunate, though, that in some churches, leadership is so bad that something called biblical counselling is as far from them as Jerusalem is from Babylon. Nevertheless, I still contend that the local church has always played a huge role in salvaging many of our marriages. “Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety (Prov 11:14).”
3.) Inform the family
It’s good that in Africa, marriages are highly regarded among families. The wider family members are also part of that marriage one way or the other. Therefore, when there is a conflict of some kind, those aunties and uncles can correctly assess the situation and advise you accordingly. Again, we don’t rule out that sometimes family members can be biased towards one partner. Once again, that does not mean that their counsel should be neglected altogether. I personally know a few homes that have been saved after the wider family got involved to bring reconciliation and forgiveness.
The summary of the matter is that there is nothing called marriage-happily-ever-after. What keeps a couple together is the grace of the Lord working through the spirit of humility, understanding, patience and forgiveness between two people. However, if it happens that your marriage becomes a constant battleground, even threatening your overall wellbeing, it is only right that you separate yourself from such. Although that should be always the last option after you have done your all to confront the individual, consult the church, and report to the wider family. Also, if ever you feel like your life is in danger, you have the right to visit the nearest police station as soon as you can. Adios.
Sinothi Ncube
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Amen My Brother.
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